It began a few days before Christmas with the death of a friend – sudden, in her sleep, with an inconclusive autopsy; and ended yesterday with the death of one close to a truly dear friend – expected, a gradual decline, and gentle release. These two losses book-ended for me a fourteen day rollercoaster of warmth and coldness, light and dark, courage and cowardice, sanity and madness – facing and fully experiencing lifelong issues so unrelated to these bookends, and yet intimately connected.
Sorry! To protect the innocent, there will be no juicy details in this blog post 🙂 … only my reflections on what I am facing, discovering, and wanting today to simply share with you.
It was the December New Moon the day it began. Why I wondered is the darkness called ‘New’? Why is ‘death’ not a word people like to use? We prefer ‘passed on’, or ‘left us’ … Why do we shy away from darkness in myriad ways? Some name it a ‘them, not us’, separate it, protect from it, and shun it. Some blame it, put it out there on the evil other, and in self-righteousness indignation punish it. Some can’t see it, refuse to see it, don’t want to see it, pretend it’s not there and do nothing. Some see it, listen to it, analyze it, strive to understand it, and rush in to fix it.
No doubt there are many more responses to darkness. These are simply a few I recognize; the ones that were graphically shown me again these past two weeks. All of them designed to make the darkness go away. And not one of them worked. Not one made any sense. Not one brought me peace of mind. On the contrary, bouncing amongst the options I had was driving me crazy. Until I found a place to rest in misery. For one who has long felt so able to listen, see, understand, empathize and proceed with kindness – it must therefore be me. I am the dummy, so let me rest in seething anger at myself. Not good! Though it was a way to stop the flailing!
At the midpoint of these two weeks on New Year’s Day with dear friends visiting, we selected Runes as we do each year from Harvard educated anthropologist Ralph H. Blum’s translations of these Viking artifacts. Mine for the year was Laguz – meaning Flow, Water, That Which Conducts. Its message was clear. “Laguz encourages you to immerse yourself in the experience of living without having to evaluate or understand … to the awakening of the intuitive or lunar side of your nature, the moon draws us toward union and merging … A Rune of the self, relating rightly to the Self.”
What a discovery for the New Year, a new option for this chronic ‘understander’ – simple and total immersion in the experience – no more, and no less. This is where I am resting. So much easier said than done in this world that demands instant action; I threw in an immersion in the bathtub yesterday for good measure 🙂 – every little helps!
It was the December New Moon the day it began, and today it is the January Full Moon – a movement in fourteen days from total darkness to full light. And so, for now, I am back, squeaky clean and clear enough at least to write this blog. 2012 has been a good year so far … may it continue in kind for everyone!